The other day I was having a conversation with a friend- we started out talking about the usual small talk that you have over wine and desert. Then the deeper questions started- one of them was what is your biggest fear. We talked about all the usual answers like death, spiders, and drowning.
But after a few days the conversation popped into my head again and I really thought about it.
What is my biggest fear?
Spiders was my original answer- but I think Im afraid of something bigger than that.
I realized spiders isn’t really my biggest fear. Vulnerability is- I have built a wall so high around myself so I won’t get hurt. Sure I am open with people-but I’ve noticed I don’t really let them get close to me. Sure I can expose my past and let people what has happened in my life- but I don’t really allow people into my life. I am so afraid of getting hurt.
I haven’t really allowed people besides family in my life and allowed them to get to know me on a deeper level in years.
I feel that all the people that I have opened up to have ended up hurting me in a way that I never thought I could get over. But as life goes on I realized that you do get over things. Life does move on and time does heal. It’s sad to say that life goes on- but it does.
So if I’ve moved on from the past then why am I still afraid of being vulnerable? Well, I suppose I am just protecting myself. Putting that defense mechanism in place so that no matter where I am I can enjoy myself and not worry about getting hurt.
I’m afraid of the past repeating itself, I’m afraid of being insecure, I’m afraid of making mistakes, I’m afraid that my friends will betray me, I’m afraid of feeling inadequate. So those are my fear- What are yours?
So here’s to me being vulnerable, here’s to a fresh start. Because who needs a new years resolution when every day is a new chance at life?
Much Love,
Amber St. Jean
Intuitive Souls 